He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”