Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.