Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
You Might Also Like
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m good, thanks.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.