If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?