A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
🤣could you imagine
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?