I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
dude it’s called proctologist
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I have never related to a cat more
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.