Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”