[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
okay run it by me one more time
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.