therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
prepare for carbonated trouble
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…