“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
#damn
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*