Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.