[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*