I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Damn what did I do next
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
i think both sides are to blame here
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!