I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Truth
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?