I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?