There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m not wrong
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Smooooooth
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake