I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something