can you read it!!??
maan!
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Great acting.. 😂
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Taco Bell, Exit 22
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE