When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I wish I could veto my bills.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”