“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You Might Also Like
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Woke up against my better judgment again
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.