If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
quarantine day 3
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever