Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.