me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.