I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
We need more people like this.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]