Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Good Morning.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
the best thing i’ve ever made
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.