I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
#SuperBowl
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
wow
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.