Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Good morning!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.