9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Breaking news:
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.