CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.