I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real