[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
It’s a gift
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Single and childfree like Jesus
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.