My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
This makes total sense…
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish