*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
the short answer to this question
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The old gods are rising again.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
no refunds
This did not end as expected.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter