Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
People buying plungers never look happy.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.