I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
You Might Also Like
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
it is time once again
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn