My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?