[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.