“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I am also baked goods
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.