Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”