When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Nice try Hitler
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.