Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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unbelievably distressed by this ad
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
This line from Airplane.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.