Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
You Might Also Like
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
When someone says you are so lazy
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Finally! 😈
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
dictator is short for richard potato
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.