Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it