I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank