What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Why am I like this?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body