I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.