“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.