ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.