[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
happy valentine’s day to me
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point