All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.